JAN MOIR: Damian Hurley's new film is not terrible, it's not awful, it's not bad - it's worse than all of that

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Hugh Grant and David Furnish were among nan loyal godfathers who turned up to nan premiere of Damian Hurley's debut movie past week.

What did they think, arsenic they sat location successful nan acheronian of nan Fulham cinema successful West London, arsenic nan afloat scary of Strictly Confidential unfurled earlier them?

They are master men, movie manufacture stalwarts, masters of their trade. David has won an Emmy. Hugh was an Oompa Loompa. 

Can't they opportunity aliases do something? Shouldn't they extremity this folly, alternatively of encouraging talent-free Damian from making specified a fool of himself?

The movie is not terrible, it is not awful, it is not bad — it is worse than each of that. For Strictly is strictly dull and clumsy, bereft of a azygous absorbing aliases original moment, thought, scene, changeable aliases word.

Damian Hurley gives his mum Elizabeth a tight compression arsenic they airs for nan Press astatine nan screening for his movie Strictly Confidential

Twenty-two-year-old Damian wrote and directed what is intelligibly meant to beryllium a softcore seductive thriller group connected a Caribbean island, but it has been described by 1 professional arsenic a movie that spills its secrets pinch 'the lackadaisical plop of a daytime soap'. Emphasis connected nan plop.

Among nan moodily changeable sunsets, nan waves crashing connected statement and nan intrusive music, Damian formed his ain mother Elizabeth Hurley successful nan lead domiciled of bereaved matriarch Lily, who has a lesbian matter pinch 1 of her daughter's friends.

Paging Dr Freud! Are you expecting us, Oedipus?

There are respective scenes wherever crippled aged Liz plants her clammy hands connected nan precocious thighs of nightclub vocalist Natasha (Pear Chiravara) successful nan mode of a shortsighted labradoodle breeder emotion up a puppy's flanks for hep dysplasia. The saucy mates moreover kiss, pinch nan terrifying Liz-lips moving successful for a smooch for illustration a heat-seeking, peach-glossed descend plunger.

Yet erstwhile you group speech nan novelty of a nepo boy exploiting nan fading activity entreaty of his 58-year-old mother for commercialized and creator gain, you are near pinch a batch of poshos twitting astir successful bikinis and plunge frocks — nan cleavage count is astatine Austin Powers-esque level — spouting inane dialogue.

'Maybe it'll springiness america immoderate closure. God knows, we tin each usage some,' says Lily, dripping successful nan benignant of max-coverage midnight make-up usually seen connected resistance queens. The book is risible; an utterance of matter messages betwixt dim teens. 'I'm sorry!' 'For what?' 'Never mind!'

'We changeable it successful 18 days,' says Damian, by measurement of excuse. 'It's conscionable a spot of fun.' Then why is it streaming connected Prime Video, Fandango astatine Home, Apple TV and Roku? What different writer/director would beryllium afforded specified largesse and vulnerability connected his first ever film?

The 22-year-old casted his exemplary mother to beryllium nan lead domiciled - successful which he directed her raunchy activity scene

L ook, nepo babies are a truth of life. From calamitous no-hoper Brooklyn Beckham to Lily-Rose Depp to Kate Winslet uncovering a co-starring domiciled for girl Mia Threapleton successful a caller accumulation called I Am Ruth, nan rich | and nan celebrated are ever going to push their ain offspring aliases relatives to nan beforehand of nan queue for plum jobs — and I don't moreover blasted them.

Why not? Let's beryllium honorable here, astir of america could and would do precisely nan same, fixed half nan opportunity.

Since humans first crawled retired of nan swamp, yak handlers and plumbers and nurses and gardeners and TV executives and accountants and shop owners and jam makers and canine walkers and merchant bankers and everyone other person each utilized their power and insider know-how to promote aliases usher their nearest and dearest successful nan family business.

And publicity is nary exception. Every newsroom I person ever worked successful has had its stock of SADOs (Sons And Daughters Of) but present is nan point — astir of them are really rather bully astatine their jobs. Inherited family traits tin beryllium intelligence and belief arsenic good arsenic physical.

And let's not place nan earthy gift, nan predilection, nan unsung knack and nan reflex instincts imbibed from father's guidance and mother's milk; from bib to crib to Lottie Moss — half-sister of supermodel Kate — launching herself connected nan X-rated Only Fans website. 'I emotion nan imaginative state it gives me,' said Kate-lookalike Lottie, who earns £30,000 per period for cashing successful connected her familial practice and posing successful her pants.

Elsewhere, Rafe Spall whitethorn beryllium Timothy Spall's son, but some are terrific actors successful their ain right. Benedict Cumberbatch's parents were some actors, successful capable to spend to nonstop their boy to Harrow, but his triumph is wholly his own. Two much words. Miley Cyrus.

The truth is that each dynasties thrive for a reason. I erstwhile had a Saturday occupation successful my aunt's hairdressing salon, truthful I'm conscionable arsenic blameworthy of cashing successful connected family connections arsenic Roman Kemp — and if you want an ammonium perm aliases immoderate rubber headdress peroxide highlights, springiness maine a call. My rates are still reasonable.

Meanwhile, showbiz hierarchies are ever going to works their dim bulbs successful nan rich | mulch of nepo-manure, hoping they will flower into magnificent personage blooms. But present is my fear: isn't nan hurly-burly astir Damian Hurley taking it excessively far? Far, acold excessively far?

In nan cistron lottery of life, Damian has been some fabulously fortunate and tragically unlucky. A successful MAW (model, actor, whatever) he has nan cheekbones, nan tallness and nan connections to make it each hap earlier he turns 25.

He is charming and truthful eerily beautiful he could beryllium nan alien pod emotion kid of Elizabeth Hurley and Keira Knightley, if specified a point were possible. And it mightiness very good be, successful his adjacent film.

The brace person been promoting nan movie together some successful nan US and nan UK, present pictured successful Chelsea for its London premiere

Y et Damian was 18 years aged erstwhile Steve Bing, nan billionaire begetter he had ne'er met, took his ain life successful Los Angeles. That cannot beryllium easy for him. Particularly arsenic Bing initially contested his parentage, and nan ineligible statement went each nan measurement to DNA.

But Mama Liz went into overdrive, marshalling a squad of rich | and influential godparents to compensate for nan paternal void successful her only child's life.

They included Elton John, David Furnish, Hugh Grant, nan character Denis Leary, nan American millionaire Teddy Forstmann and aristo Henry Dent-Brocklehurst, whose family owns Sudeley Castle, among different things.

Liz didn't slumber pinch each of them, astatine slightest that is what I americium assuming, but it says thing bully astir her that she remains friends pinch truthful galore of her exes. This includes her erstwhile hubby Arun Nayar, whom Damian has ever regarded arsenic 'Dada', his cardinal begetter figure.

Nayar was location for nan Strictly Confidential premieres successful some London and New York — and, really, hats disconnected to him for that support. Not slightest because it has been much than a twelve years since he and Elizabeth divorced.

Yet erstwhile Damian and She-Damian embarked connected their publicity rounds to beforehand Strictly successful London this week, retired popped nan cloven hoof. Honestly, person this mother-son brace of indulged fools ever listened to themselves?

'Oh God, I emotion each European cinema!' shrieked Damian connected Virgin Radio. How overmuch did Liz thief make nan film, asked big Chris Evans? 'I helped enormously,' she purred, bristling pinch husky superiority and a Pussy Galore, The Grandma Years vibe.

In glamorous attire, Mum and boy return to nan reddish carpet astatine nan 2024 Vanity Fair Oscar Party successful Beverly Hills, California, past month

Across each tv and power shows, Liz and Damian reiterated their communal belief that it is perfectly good that his only film-making qualification is simply a puerility liking successful making movies.

'I sewage my first camcorder erstwhile I was 8 and I started penning and directing short films then,' he said. 'And Mum was nan prima of galore of those.'

Shamelessly, Mum Liz moreover suggested connected nationalist power that nan tragedies Son Damian has endured were nan inspiration for his debut spot of celluloid froth.

'He is pulling connected immoderate sad elements that he had to woody pinch erstwhile he was overmuch excessively young,' she said, without a blush.

Who do these ridiculous, wannabe movie auteurs deliberation they are? Alfred Hitchcock and his muse Tippi Hedren? Steven Spielberg and nan Jaws shark?

If Strictly Confidential wasn't rather nan funniest point I person ever seen, past these publicity performances were — a masterclass successful self-delusion. Perhaps you won't beryllium amazed to perceive that Damian Hurley already has a caller movie task successful nan pipeline.

'It's my favourite point I person ever written,' he says, possibly excluding that notebook where, arsenic a child, he wrote I Love Mummy a 1000 times.

At nan moment, he is conscionable waiting for nan funding. And nan calamity is, he won't person to hold for very long.


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